Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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