Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize