She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
there is glitter all over my balls
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
