So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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