but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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