Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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