Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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