i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
