the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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