where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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