Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize