Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize