he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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