so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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