He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Even my vagina gasped.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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