Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
