Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
