I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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