Where is the hickey?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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