well I can't set my house on fire every night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
