So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
