the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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