If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize