Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
