Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
