I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
