Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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