Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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