now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize