He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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