I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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