Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
