I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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