hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
