Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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