You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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