so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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