Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just want to make out with him forever
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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