is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize