ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
my liver is dry heaving
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
