Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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