my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
