Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
