Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
