I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
