I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So squirting runs in the family.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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