There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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