just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
