hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
