You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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