dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
