i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
