fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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