Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
