My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
