mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
