I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
