At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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