Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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