I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
