Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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