...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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