I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm like, not good at living.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
