Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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