I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
