she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
