remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
