I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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