I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize