There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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