Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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