When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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