She is in my trunk
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
