If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
