I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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