did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
