I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
